Tough days…

We all have them. As one who has dealt with cancer, the tough days seem exacerbated by cancer and its aftermath.

I’m exhausted. Dizzy and feeling out of sorts. I know some of it is emotional as I watch people I know with my disease trying to stay alive. Not a month goes by without losing someone to breast cancer or specifically Metaplastic Breast Cancer. I’m so physically tired as I’ve somehow not ever fully regained my strength and stamina. Fatigue that sleep doesn’t combat. Today I’m having another bout of dizziness and what I can best describe as a brain fog. I seem to be thinking, moving and functioning through a haze. My limbs are too heavy and I just want to cling back into my cozy bed with all my pillows and my snuggly pup! But noooo gotta work lol.

The emotional part is anxiety and guilt. Anxiety coming from how I’m physically feeling. Luckily I have far far more good days now than even 6 months ago. Guilt? Survivors guilt. Watching women younger than me die from this disease. I know it sounds unreasonable the guilt, but many of us tackle it. Survivors guilt. It’s a catch 22.

Are you dealing with survivors guilt? Or perhaps guilt from feeling like a burden even after you’re no longer in active treatment…because people are under the assumption that “you’re better get back to normal” (This is my normal now, okay?!?!)

Tell me, how do you manage it? I tell myself cancer clearly has no rhyme or reason as to who it comes back to (statistics…yeah right) as time has proven again and again. As for my new normal guilt, I’m actually doing far better with that one, knowing I’m doing what’s best for me as much as I can. Its on days like these that the survivors guilt is exceptionally difficult to manage.

Ok break time is over. Back to work.

As always #FuckCancer

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One Comment

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  1. Never normal again- none of us, not even the pinkest prettiest petunias, the cheerleaders for survivorship and ribbons and fundraising can hide their fear weariness from the rest of us who are post cancer diagnosis of any sort. So guilt isn’t anything I can bring myself to feel these days. Dealing with everything I never wanted or asked for and not being able to work – I’m unhireable and couldn’t meet a deadline at a party if I wanted to! It’s okay to be tired, exhausted, mentally and physically from doing what you have to do to survive in this world that believes we are just fine to get back to life as it was prior to diagnosis and treatments that would kill a lesser woman alone. You’re amazing even admitting you feel this way. If only the support groups would discuss these kinds of topics it would make them more interesting to attend and feel less like I am nuts for feeling the way I do. I ramble. But you get it.

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