Tell me what you’d like me to talk about – I’m here for you!!

As one whose gone through finding the tumor, waiting an excruciating week for results, to finally figuring out what I had, I’ve lots of insight and info to share. Treatment, side effects, fears, hopes, losses and looking ahead. Shoot me a topic I’m happy to talk to you about it!!

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  1. If you could expound on how your conceptions of time changed for you in the post cancer diagnosis days? Are futures and presents combined and compressed or do you simply take each day as it comes? I’m having trouble planning things too far out in advance knowing anything could change at any time. Time for me is completely warped. People in my life get antsy because I run late and it would seem my former march step self was replaced in a UFO somewhere in the middle of a crop circle by timeless tasks and a sense that if I extend my days to late nights somehow I’m more grateful for what I have accomplished. Seems random probably to those without the barrel of a chronic killer disease staring them between the eyes, but I think you probably know where I’m coming from.

    PS have you read Susan Grubar’s book on cancer and writing? It’s generative and honest and I’d love to ship it to you. Send me a message to my email iakaminsky@me.com with an address. I finished about five books somehow in the past two weeks and I’d love to share a few with you. Also grab Cancer Olympics by Robin McGee on Audible. I’m about 2/3 done and I’m immediately impressed with how she turned her bulletin board into a book. Her reading it in her voice has the perspective of her inflections of emotional feedback one doesn’t ordinarily get from an audio book read in another person’s voice. I love the concept.

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    • Well regarding time…once I received my diagnosis it felt like time was crawling by. Waiting to meet my Oncology Team. Waiting for surgery, waiting for chemo. It was all hurry up and wait. But then it all hit at once and it felt like time was whizzing by. Staring your mortality in its gaping maw does that. Now much like you, I’m incapable of long term plans. I do not plan more than 2 months out at the most. Silly me, I’m afraid I’m asking for trouble in doing that!! Every morning is a new day to start all over again. Not necessarily in a good way. I’ve had another friend die yesterday and I’m angry today because of it. No point I know in being angry at a fucking disease, but there it is. Emailing you now!!

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      • Fucking disease is right. Each time I hear about another MBC death, I get so angry. So enraged. Time takes us all, I’m aware. The title of my blog – CancerBus comes from the audaciousness of those who hear about a person (me) with a terminal illness and say, “well you could be hit by a bus.” Meaning we never know when our number is up. But I’d rather live without a time bomb ticking in my body like a bus following me and reviving up its engine and each day teasing me by not hitting me. Most people don’t know when the bus will hit, so they live with things like “long term plans” rather than making sure they have a Death Contract as I call it with their wishes spelled out and signed should I not be aware enough to speak for myself in those last, painful days. That’s the long term plans we get. I’m not bitter but it does sound like a bad horror movie sequel, doesn’t it. For example: Attack of the Killer Bus part IV: The Executioner Arrives. I think I have found my inspiration for my next post! Attack of the Killer Bus? Time Spares No Tire? The Wheels on the Bus Go…

        I will look for your email the books will arrive fresh from amazon. Although I wouldn’t normally I found Susan Grubar’s book so valuable a resource for times when I cannot find my words that I can’t give it up. Card sold separately 😘
        Love ya,
        Ilene
        Oh and yes. #fuckcancer
        And have you gotten on the radar for LBBC yet? If you’re on twitter hook up with Marie if your not yet in her list of twits, and check out some of the tasty blogs she follows. She does a weekly roundup worth your time. If you check my twitter feed you’ll find her there and also the ladies from “Thanks Cancer.” They have wry dry wit you’ll truly appreciate and a great podcast that I enjoy as well. They’re cheeky monkeys. Okay back to listing on Etsy so I can make some copay money this month. Mama needs a new pair of shoes to fit her 1/2 size larger feet. Why doesn’t anyone tell you your feet get bigger after menopause. Oh and I shrunk 1/8 of an inch so now I’m 5’11 7/8” tall to be exact. I was 6’ to the t my entire adult life. But I’m still 6’ 2” in cowboy boots so 😜to all that weird shrinkage (boobs, height) and enlargement (feet) cancer. Such a rush!

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      • Yes I follow lbbc on Twitter and Instagram. @wondiebee is my Twitter handle. Lol I’ve grown all over. It comes from my IDGAF attitude about food these days. So many years wasted in dieting to stay thin and healthy. What a fucking joke!!

        Liked by 1 person

      • You know it’s got very little to do with that and you’re as healthy as possible given your discipline – something I wish I had more of to help me through this – but we are both resilient women, Samantha.

        Perhaps stress in all its forms, combined with environmental factors, caused our malignancies to proliferate but who the fuck knows. Getting down on yourself doesn’t help. But who am I to talk.
        I’m having a hard time myself – living with dr. depression and his denial of depression causes stress that he’s always fast to deny. No one factor is to blame. Especially not self blame.

        I wish I were there to have a chat or 30 with you. But geographical distance prevents it right now.

        You have your daughter and there’s a lot of room for happiness in life and satisfaction in watching her grow up, which trumps anything and everything.

        And eating is important. The more I hear about food the more annoyed I get. That’s an environmental factor none of us I’d bet considered as kids eating Good n Plenty and other treats full of bad food dyes at the movies or how we were force fed fluoride in our water. Wow. Did we ever stand a chance? I eat when I’m hungry which isn’t often these days. I’ve lost so much weight I’m looking forward to getting into my jeans again without them falling off in the middle of Target. Fun fun. I go to goodwill and find $7.00 jeans on the 26 waist end of the rack and I keep moving down the notches on my belts until I look like a bum with a rope holding up my bozo pants. I may as well sit on the sidewalk stinking like pee! Do people even say “bum” anymore except as it relates to an ass? I feel old, I feel tired, neglected, and generally I’m still grateful to be alive, though some days I wonder if my treatments wouldn’t be better off going to help someone who’s got more depending on their existence. These ruminations can’t be healthy either. And I’m angry today. I had one of these tear inducingly painful leg cramps that turn my left foot into a crooked mess and I can on,y get rid of it in a hot magnesium bath or if I catch it soon enough with a hot heating pad. I tell you this just sucks doesn’t it.

        But we’re here for something and maybe we don’t know the reason but we are. And so we can take comfort in that of course if nothing else works.

        Love you

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I wish we were closer as well. ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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