Feeling like prey…..

I met a woman a few days ago while I was out shopping for a few things. We fell into conversation over mutual hot flashes despite the fact it was 24 degrees out!! She made mention hers was due to a hysterectomy. I told her mine was for the same reason….then she told me she did it to herself because she’s BRCA1 positive. So of course we talked about cancer. She hasn’t had a prophylactic double mastectomy because she’s afraid of the pain. I told her it was nothing compared to going through chemo. She asked me about my cancer. So she got a brief rundown of Metaplastic Breast Cancer. At the end of it she told me I looked great for going through that. “Thank you!” then we parted. It left me thinking about her being afraid of a DMX and having to have breast MRI’s every 6 months to see if she was cancer free. Of her oncologist telling her to do the mastectomy and her reluctance to do it. So I found her again and asked her if she minded if I gave her my 2 cents worth. Lol like what’s she going to say? Anyhow, I told her that had I known my BRCA1 one status I would’ve had the double and the hysterectomy. That I would’ve done it in a heartbeat to avoid the cancer in the first place instead of having it and having to fight for my life. Instead of living with being slowly stalked by a beast that wants to kill me. I told her you too are being stalked but you can avoid being pounced on. I told her that it isn’t “fight the cancer and go back to your normal” life, that there’s no going back after standing in front of a killer and going after it with all that you have. I brought up my BRCA1 positive daughter who is going to have the surgeries because “the surgeries would be better than what I watched my mom go through with chemo”. She thanked me and told me I’d given her lots to think about. I really hope she does. We all know the specter of cancer is frightening to think of but I also know we’d all go back if we could to never have had it in the first place. To be free of being oh so slowly, stealthily stalked by the C-beast. To be free of what chemo does to our bodies. The ravages of a toxin being pumped into us. The scanxiety and the fear.

I feel like prey every time my body gives me shit, makes me feel like shit. I see you there from my perch up on the high wire. I feel you making me sway as I desperately try to keep my balance.

As always #FuckCancer

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2 Comments

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  1. Too bad you couldn’t shake her up enough, as she will live in regret and possibly die of regret for the sake of vanity not pain. I do not think she wanted to insult you about the DMX. She knows nothing of pain inside her heart, soul, or body until she is stalked by the killer inside. It was good of you to try. I know with the gene you’re kinda screwed from birth, as if you asked for it, or it got handed to you by some cruel fatalistic god without humor. It’s so frustrating because there you are, a messenger sent to her and still she cannot see. Unfortunately one day she will find herself saying #fuckcancer

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