The rabbit hole

I’ve had a rough 6 Days. Started with a wicked headache on Saturday. The kind that makes you nauseous. The headache varied in intensity until yesterday where once again it was bad enough to make me nauseous and photophobic. I called my oncologist for some advice and/or a prescription to make it go away. I was told to try Tylenol 🙄. Well no shit. I tried a variety of things to get rid of the headache. Then this morning I woke up dizzy. Just a little at first. I took some meclizine (antivert) left from my chemo days. Didn’t touch it. Matter of fact my dizziness increased.  The combo of 6 days of a headache and waking up dizzy after being given the brush off yesterday made my anxiety spike. The tears started, the fear choked me. I dove down the rabbit hole. The oh shit the cancer is BACK AND ITS IN MY BRAIN rabbit hole.  Rather than call my doctors here, I called my nurse from Florida. The caring RN who didn’t blow me off. Who listens and gives reasonable advice. She listened to me talk about my symptoms. She listened to me talk about my oncologist here, the one who made me feel like it’s JUST cancer rather than my fucking life. Call your PCP she said and then as soon as you can, find a new oncologist, one who listens and hears you. 

So I called. My pcp was concerned enough to bring me in ASAP.  By this time I could hardly walk straight or drive. My daughter came to get me and off we went. By this time I’d settled down. The doctor listened to me, examined me and talked about how she reached her diagnosis. She listened to my complaints and how I was concerned about THAT DAMN CANCER. She understood and told me that if my headache isn’t taken care of by the injection I’d be getting, to go to the ER for further care that would include imaging.

So I got popped with Toradal and given an RX of rest, fluids and meclizine. The headache is finally backing off and the dizziness is a bit better. But best of all, I climbed out of the rabbit hole. Because I’m finally starting to feel better. Because my head is down to a dull thud as opposed to a screaming beast. Finally because I’m feeling more logical and less emotional. 

Don’t get me wrong- I’ve had headaches, pains, insomnia and a myriad of shit going on that could easily make me rabbit hole. Despite all that I hadn’t felt freaked out till today. Prior to today I had figured out that despite emotions and anxiety whatever is going to happen is going to happen. No amount of worry will keep the cancer away. No amount of anxiety will turn something malignant to benign.  What does help me? Being heard. Being cared for. Not automatically being poo-pooed. 

Reminder to myself- you’re going to get sick. Remain calm and no diving down the rabbit hole, and even if the cancer returns,  you’ll figure it out. 

As always #FuckCancer 


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