Happy Birthday to me…

Made it to 49!!!! I remember all the times I spent griping about getting older. Never again 😁 

I’ve gotten myself established as a patient with a new oncologist. She’s treated MpBC before but never a BRCA1 MpBC. Interesting. There’s debate about whether or not BRCA1 patients have a higher risk of recurrence. Not like I’m not already dealing with enough recurrence odds.  All my blood tests came back normal. Happy dance 💃🏻!!! Even then I was told not to hold too much stock in the tumor profiles. So I asked her about imaging- told her that after I finished treatment I did not receive any imaging- that it was assumed I’m “cancer free”. Well as I’ve been told before-that’s the standard of care. I told her logically I kind of understand the process but emotionally and mentally it blows.  You finished treatment so of course all the cancer is eradicated. Can you hear me rolling my eyes? Treating all breast cancers and patients the same way blows. Cancer patients are anxious and many suffer from PTSD after treatment. Some patients have physicians who do imaging. Some have Oncologist like mine. That’s two mind you who declined to image me at my request. They wait for symptoms. Funny, I’m waiting for symptoms as well-but we neither of us on the same page. 

Anxiety- it’s a real bitch. No one told me survivorship would be like this. My physician wrote me some prescriptions and sent me to a therapist. Saw the therapist the day before my birthday. We talked about how many people I have in my life as support. I told her I have my children and a few close friends but they’re in Florida. I also don’t talk about my crap to my children too much because I’m mom. My daughter I live with gets the brunt of it along with Alfred who actually gets most nearly all of it.  I told the therapist I don’t like people much to which she laughed and told me she understood.  I don’t stay home moping but I also don’t actively go out looking to make new friends here.  I could easily.  I just choose not to. Also honestly the only people who understand my ptsd and post cancer anxiety are other survivors. I also lost friends in my cancer/survivor journey. Many many of us do. So I need to get into the survivor community here along with cancer events to be supportive to other patients. I am supporting cancer patients who reach out online to me- the other woman who get nailed with this MpBC. I know where they’re coming from and I’m happy to help in any way I can. It helps me to help them. It really does. I’m strong enough now I can participate in walks etc again as I did before my diagnosis. 

I was proud of myself Friday. My brain really wanted to pity party about how I look now compared to my birthday last year. But I looked in the mirror and told the reflection “this is what a survivor, a warrior looks like, gray hair and all”

To all my sister warriors and survivors- we got this. Even when we’re scraping bottom, crawling through hell, or climbing the walls of anxiety, we got this. Together. 

As always #FuckCancer


One Comment

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  1. You are one beautiful, powerful person. Reading this and only knowing part of what you have been through, even from a child, mades you an “Amazing Wonder Woman”. You are very special to me, even though I might not show it.

    Liked by 1 person

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