Losing a friend to this bitch of a cancer

I’ve lost a friend and a mentor today.  This aggressive bitch of MpBC triple negative cancer took her today. She was diagnosed in 2011, Stage 2….just like me. With a rare chondroid subtype like me. She got 2.5 years “free”. A routine follow up imaging screening found the cancer had come back- with a fucking vengeance. Bones and lymph nodes. No symptoms at all. She’s one of the ones whose oncologist understood what MpBC TNBC is and was scanning her every 3 months. Most oncologist don’t do this. I haven’t had a PET scan since finishing chemo to know if there are no tumors. It’s a wait and see if they’re symptoms game. Maybe my new oncologist will listen.  I digress. So it came back, Stage 4. She treated for 3 years with chemo and radiation. Eventually it stopped working. A tumor wrapped itself around her spine…breaking her back and paralyzingly her. Still she tried. More surgery…to no avail. She decided it was time for peace. 

Cancer. I hate you. You take and take. 

Why did you move to Colorado? Because my life is short. Because I miss nature, crave being amongst the trees, listening to a rushing river, hiking the hills and mountains and feeling free. I hated Florida. Hot. Humid. Mosquitoes the size of hummingbirds. No hills or mountains in sight. Still- I wonder- To what end? I don’t know when this bitch will return. I’m a positive realist- I feel it in my bones that it will return. The odds are too stacked against me. So I prepare for the worst, and hope for the best…and live. Be me. I spent years being what everyone needed me to be. I’m not talking about being a parent. I loved that role. They’re adults now. Awesome amazing people I had the privilege of raising. I’m talking about other roles. Now it’s time to be Samantha before my time disappears. Let’s be honest…all of our time is disappearing. It’s what you do with it that matters. 

I’ll miss my friend and mentor. I will do my best to be a friend and mentor to my sisters in breast cancer. 

I love you all. 

As Always, #FUCKCANCER

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