Moving on

Well….as much as I can. I mean, I’ve physically moved yes. My body is recovering slowly. Scars are healing. Fatigue is still a beast but you learn to work around it. Pain- is a daily bitch I deal with. Chemo brain is also still hanging about. I’ve learned to work with that too. Note taking and lots of patience with myself.  Good thing too, as I’m starting a new job in a few days. I’ve taken one that is less stress than the last one. It’s also going to be less mentally taxing on me than the last one because I know I can’t handle what I did before.  Before chemo wreaked havoc on my brain and body.  New job- moving on. 

Emotionally? I’m pretty even keel these days. I find my view of the world and people in it has changed vastly. I’m calmer, not as easily ruffled by things. That’s an understanding that so much in life that people get upset about is small. It’s mostly at night when the brain clicks over the cancer zone. It’s a scary place. Full of fear that’s like a living, breathing entity with dark black tentacles, reaching for you , doing its best to suffocate you, to pull you down into its depths.  Down there where everything you don’t want to dwell upon lives. When? How long? How? Cancer FREE? Biggest oxymoron ever. 

Because you’re never really free of cancer. Not in the way the physicians mean it…and even they don’t say “cancer free”….they use NED- No Evidence of Disease. They mean physically free from what they can determine. It’s what they can’t see that feeds that tentacled fear beast.  

Moving on….it’s what everyone expects. Hey, your all done with treatment/your cured/get back to normal now. Let me tell you, I have a new normal now-and it’s absolutely nothing like my normal was BC. 

As always #FuckCancer 

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