Fear and Anger

fearandanger

During my cancer journey, it became evident to me that I would be going through a gamut of emotions…and I did. ¬†Fear and anger were the predominant ones initially. ¬†Fear of what I was up against. ¬†Anger that it happened to me. ¬†The lady who worked out 5 days a week, ate right and all that good stuff. ¬†Then as time progressed there came hope and joy again. ¬†In between the fear and anger, of course.

Now….post chemo and recovering from both chemo and surgery, I am afraid and angry. ¬†I am afraid because I lost my job and I have to find a new one at the age of 48. ¬†Angry that I have to find a new one because there were no protections for me, or others like me for that matter, to make sure I had my job to go back to. ¬†Fear of not having medical coverage I can afford (thanks Trump). ¬†Anger that older people such as myself have a harder time finding work, though we still need to support ourselves for years to come. ¬†Fear that my chemo brain, fatigue and pain will keep me from working to the best of my capacity. ¬†I just took an online test for a job that had a memory component as well as a reading and comprehension portion. ¬†Lets just say I’ll be surprised if I hear back from them. ¬†Of course going back to my previous job I could still do, but very likely with some sort of assistance.

So now I face a new world I haven’t faced in a decade…job hunting. ¬†Trying to find something that pays the bills, gives me insurance but doesn’t give me the responsibilities I had before. ¬†HA. ¬†Bills and the medical/cancer patient…you can well imagine what that is like. ¬†No wonder so many cancer patients file bankruptcy.

So you survive cancer- now what? ¬†Today I am having a bad day. I am tired, afraid and angry. ¬†I’m hard on myself. ¬†Always have been. ¬†I have to learn to be gentle and patient with myself. ¬†I just went to the edge of hell on earth and fought my way back. ¬†I need to understand that I am going to have lingering side effects no matter how much I tell myself its all in my head. ¬†I get up everyday and repeat positive mantras (yeah I know, its a little cheesy but it helps me!!) and I have started working on my memory and all that seems to be a little off.

Just because treatment is done does not mean everything goes back to the way it was. ¬†I am fundamentally altered. ¬†My life has been changed in big ways and small ways. ¬†Depression likes to rear its ugly head. ¬†What? Depression? ¬†But you lived!! ¬†Yes but….

http://www.dana-farber.org/For-Adult-Cancer-Survivors/Caring-For-Yourself-After-Cancer/Your-Emotions-After-Treatment.aspx

I am not alone in this I know.

As always…#FuckCancer

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