After last weeks torture of waiting for CT results, once again I find myself living in my world differently than before. I’m quite the contradiction….I am fearless in speaking up. Fearless in doing things. However when it comes to my body, this is a whole different story. Here fear reigns supreme. Obviously it’s the fear of recurrence that is choking me. My DNA, my body betrayed me. It gave me a cancer with a ridiculous recurrence rate. An aggressive and nasty bitch of a cancer. A cancer with no medication to prevent recurrence. That’s why the CT scan happened. Daily headaches could’ve equaled a mestastes of the cancer. Luckily now we know it’s just how my body is recovering from chemo.
Other cancer patients know my fear. It never goes away. I once asked a 23 year survivor how often she thinks of cancer. Her answer didn’t really surprise me. Everyday. That pain…what is that? Is this it? She told me meditation, mindfulness and staying in the moment all help, but she readily acknowledged the brain still chews on the fear.
Waiting for the other shoe to drop….because this bitch is what she is. It’s horrible. I struggle daily with not letting the fear consume me. I’ve asked others how they do it. They tell me, some days are good, some not so much. Especially if you’ve lingering side effects like so many of us do.
Fearless and fearful.