Where has my independence gone?

It’s definitely one of the more difficult things that I have had to learn-that it’s ok to ask for help and accept it.  Not to say I have lost all of my independence, but it definitely isn’t the way it was before.

It started with the double mastectomy.  You cannot get out of bed on your own- so bathroom trips are an adventure.  No please, stand outside the bathroom door, I promise to call out if I need help.  The first time you can shower after having your drains and bandages removed you think…ahhh yes. But no.  You still need help.  Wouldn’t do to fall in the shower from dizziness.

Then came chemo.  I very stubbornly attended my treatments alone after the first one (they make you bring someone the first time in case you can’t drive home).  I went alone because I didn’t want to bother anyone to come with me.  So I read, listen to music or perhaps color along in one of those stress relieving (HA!!) coloring books.  I never could sleep through a treatment despite my exhaustion.  Far too attentive to what was going on in my body.  There would be times, in a treatment room meant for 4 patients, that I would see other patients with family/friends there with them.  On occasion I would think how nice to have someone there to just talk to, cover you when you get cold or help you to the restroom.  Well, since I landed in the hospital with that nasty infection that could’ve changed the course of my life drastically (as if this cancer hasn’t already done so), I took Alfred’s offer to come with me to my last 3 treatments.  Did I mention I only have one left?  So I went through 12 treatments alone.  I guess it made me feel less of a burden.

Speaking of that word- BURDEN….its something I never want to be to anyone.  Well cancer and its treatment has a way of letting you know that you need assistance.  Still, I really only vent on my blogs.  I try not to whine and bitch too much to family and friends.  Who wants to hear over and over again how tired you are, how sick, how over it all you really are.  Or maybe I am whining a lot and they just aren’t telling me 🙂  It could explain a few things….. GOD WOMAN WOULD YOU SHUT UP ALREADY WE KNOW, YOU HAVE A RARE FORM OF NASTY CANCER!!!!!

I do need some sort of assistance frequently.  From getting me to eat to walking my awesome dog, Madison.  A cup of hot tea.  Or just conversation- phone calls or texts from family and friends is wonderful.  I am home alone a lot during all of this, resting and managing side effects. I am not lonely as I am one that has a tendency to prefer to be alone and now with this at least when I am feeling really shitty and just laying in bed no one feels the need to fuss over me.  The time will come when the fussing happens again.  I have a big surgery yet to get through and then a very long recovery from that.  My mother will fly in for that.  Now that’s ok- I don’t feel like a burden to her and I love the time together as she lives in Japan.

Its only 10am and I am whooped. That has a lot to do with fatigue being a side effect and sleep being difficult through hot flashes and pain.  Yesterday I went for IV fluids to help with my ridiculous blood pressure issues (so low I sometimes feel like I am going to pass out) and help with the pain of the Neulasta injections.


Thanks and as always #FuckCancer



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