Go with the flow, because everything is always changing.

I discovered rather quickly how fast things can change during cancer treatment.  In my case I had surgery first to remove my tumor, as well as my second breast for prophylactic reasons (this cancer is super aggressive so I didn’t want to have an immediate recurrence in the left breast).  The original plan of chemo was chucked once it was realized how large my tumor had gotten and how aggressive it is.  That was scary to hear.  Wait, its bigger and meaner?  Well fuck.

The changes can come in how you heal from mastectomy,  react to medications or possibly to your side effects from chemo.  How hard the chemo hits you in regards to bringing down your white cell counts – those dutiful little cells that help fight infection, too little of them and you cannot receive chemo at that time.  So your game plan gets moved out.  Some days one food tastes fine, another it tastes awful or it makes you feel sick.  Anyone who knows me knows I love my peanut butter….I have lost my taste for it for now.  It tastes awful to me.  Same for the things I have thrown up.  Don’t know when I will be able to eat those items again.

One minute you have diarrhea, the next you are constipated.  TMI?  Well you are reading a blog about cancer.  There isn’t a damn thing pretty about it.

I can wake up one morning and feel about 60%.  The next day about 10%.  Nothing seems consistent except the debilitating fatigue.

Other things that change- friendships.  Relationships. I have friends I have never heard from regarding my fight.  Not a single word.  I think its because they just don’t know what to say or do.  I get that.  Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt.  Yes, I have reached out. This cancer drags out so that even the friends that were there in the beginning start to drop off.

Relationships- Alfred has been a rock.  It wasn’t that way in the beginning.  There is no guidebook to cancer and what to do if your girlfriend gets it.  He was freaked out naturally.  I tried to give him an out.  He declined.  Its been tough but he is standing strong.  He is the one who makes sure I eat, rest and get to my appointments.  He and his father.  Alfred is the one holding me when I cry in exhaustion and fear, standing there helping me manage my side effects.  That is, when I finally let him in.  Ms. Independent don’t you know.  Well let me tell you, you need all the support you can get in this hell called cancer.

Time to rest- that bone and muscle pain I mentioned yesterday? Its arrived and I am beat.

As always #FuckCancer

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