Sitting in infusion

I was terrified the first day I came for chemo. You come in and they have to access your port. You know, the contraception they put in that feeds through your heart, to pump in the chemical cocktail to kill the beastly microscopic cells running through you. Sounds fun eh? Pre-meds go in first. Steroids , anti-nausea, Benadryl and then your chemo. The pre-meds help to hopefully control side effects. I hate the steroids. They make me jumpy and have given me moon face. 

The first time the chemo went in, I couldn’t relax till I was done. Its a highly skilled procedure getting infused with toxic chemicals that can kill you if done incorrectly. Today is number 15 of 16, so I’ve learned to relax. I know the routine now. I know my port is stubborn in giving up the blood I need for my tests. I know I have to do port dances- different maneuvers to get that port to pony up some blood. I know that I have to wait to see if my white cell count is high enough to let me get treatment. Too low and I’m too weak. That’s happened 4 different times, causing delays.  I know that the nurses here are some of the most caring, helpful, attentive and compassionate I’ve ever come across. 

I know too that while I’m sitting being infused, this is the best I’ll feel for the next 10-13 days. That after today the side effects will roll in. Nausea. Headache. Body aches. Fatigue. Fatigue. Fatigue. I AM EXHAUSTED. Dizziness. Strange tastes. Just hell. 

But I also know that this is the fight. So fuck you cancer , I’ve got my chemo gloves on and I’m putting the beat down on you. 

As always #fuckcancer 

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